


Elf on the Shelf

by pintyp



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Sun & Moon | Pokemon Sun & Moon Versions
Genre: Elf on the Shelf, Gen, Holidays, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Pre-Canon, idrk how the tags work on here alright i'm just using them like i would tumblr tags rip me, plumeria is briefly mentioned, spoiler-free? i think, there's also the clerk for the thrifty megamart and the malasada shop but who cares right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 12:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9384053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pintyp/pseuds/pintyp
Summary: Guzma hates Elf on the Shelf.





	

**Author's Note:**

> aghasjkhgjkas so this is... the first fanfic I've written since... 2014, I think? And the first time I've written prose in about a year, so bear with me. I mostly wrote this as a warmup to get back in the swing of things and also because I needed an outlet for my hatred of Elf on the Shelf.
> 
> Please forgive my awful dialogue and nonsensical timeline (this is my first time writing something in medias res (Thank you e for correcting my latin. I do not fucking know how to read). like EVER). Most of this was written between 1 and 4 AM
> 
> It's a little ex-post-facto now, but I did technically START writing this in December. I guess it's still kinda timely, because dumbasses in my neighborhood still have their damn lights up.
> 
> THIS FIC TAKES PLACE BEFORE THE PLOT OF POKÉMON SUN/MOON.

Guzma hated going out in public.

Mostly because of the way people treated him. They either jeered at him and wouldn’t give him the time of day, or they were nice to him only out of fear (and he really hated the idea of putting others in that position).

Regardless, he was standing right on Royal Avenue, out in the open where anyone and everyone could see him.

It wasn’t like any of this was his choice. He would have preferred to stay in Po Town and get shitfaced. But the kids were running out of food in Shady House, and there was only so much that you could steal. And if Plumeria saw another grunt have to cut the tail off a wild Slowpoke that aimlessly wandered in, she’d kill him.

So, there he was on Royal Avenue. He’d just stopped by the malasada shop to get something for everyone to snack on while he figured out an actual solution to the food situation (which would probably involve instant ramen), but of course everyone assumed he was there to steal Pokémon. He swore he saw people grab onto their bags a little more tightly and that the shop got so silent you could actually hear the flutter of hovering Cutiefly. The eyes of every single customer burning into him didn’t help much, either.

Not knowing how to act, he slowly walked up to the take-out counter, looking from side to side to see how people were reacting.

“Are you… going to buy a Big Malasada?” The person working at the counter asked.

“No, I’m here for fucking Tapu Cocoa.” Guzma wasn’t sure why he was so angry that they couldn’t guess why he was there, but it didn’t matter. He had already made his smartass comment, and it obviously wasn’t helping.

“Sarcasm,” he said. “Bosses make jokes, too, you know.”

That comment didn’t help, either. The employee was looking even more uncomfortable than they were when he walked in.

“Never mind… Look. I’m just… How many malasadas can you put in one box?”

 _Well, that went terribly enough_ , he thought to himself as he left the malasada shop. Yeah, Guzma knew he was a terrible person, but he didn’t need dozens of others to confirm it. His next stop was the Thrifty Megamart. By this point, Guzma had already decided he was just going to buy a couple crates of cup ramen and then leave. He wanted to spend as little time inside of that place as possible.

A huge sign sat outside of the Thrifty Megamart. It was covered in little Pikachu wearing winter clothes and read, “POST-HOLIDAY DOORBUSTER SALE! All holiday merchandise and toys 75% off.”

Guzma wanted to throw up upon reading that. He had completely forgotten it was that time of year, that hated time that brought back so much.

Even though Guzma knew what he would see inside wouldn’t be pleasant, he went in anyway. It was the only place around that sold anything in bulk.

He bought two crates of instant noodles to take back with him, as well as a giant Clefairy doll that he knew the kids would destroy within a matter of minutes. Guzma didn’t know whether to be amused or upset at people’s shock that he actually _paid_. He tried to leave the cash register area as quickly as possible, but it was hard to do that while carrying a shopping cart like a mom from the Hau’oli Outskirts, and when a huge display was blocking his path.

“Oh, of fucking course,” Guzma muttered to himself. He hated when displays were set up next to the exit, where no one could see it unless they already bought everything, meaning they would have to go all the way around again to buy whatever it was.

He decided he would try to see what it was they were trying to sell anyway, just out of curiosity. On the display were dozens of little… men? in what appeared to be red leotards. The look on these things’ faces was horrifying: they looked like malnourished baby dolls with full heads of hair and eyes that looked like they came out of a bad anime.

“Yo.” He grabbed an employee by the arm and pointed toward the display. “These… things. What the f—”

“Oh, that’s Elf on the Shelf.” The employee’s voice was so sure, so grounded. Guzma was shocked by their lack of fear (both of this so-called “Elf” and of him).

The employee continued. “It’s this… Well, basically, you put it in your house and tell your kids it’s there to make sure they’re on their best behavior and all that. And you move it to different rooms so the kids are acting good everywhere, not just where they think the Elf can see them. It’s very popular with parents these days.”

As if Guzma didn’t hate this season enough! Now people were using it to instill paranoia into an entire generation of children? He could only imagine how big Team Skull would get once these kids were old enough. It was disturbing.

“So… you’re basically telling these kids they’re being watched?”

“Well…” The employee couldn’t think of a single justification. “Yeah. Pretty much.”

“Kinda dark.”

The employee shrugged and walked away, leaving Guzma alone with his hatred for these “Elves.” It really did feel like they were staring at him. If Guzma wanted to throw up before he’d walked into the Thrifty Megamart, now he just wanted to pull his intestines out of his body. Would parents ever stop trying to scare their children into obedience?

Guzma knew too well the answer to that question.

Even just being in the presence of the little red demons was messing with his head. They tore him apart with their gaze, as if they were expecting something. Something more than what he had to show for... He couldn’t stand it. A raging fire burned inside of him; he just wanted to knock the whole stand over.

Or better yet…

A crashing sound was heard throughout the market, even with the speakers blasting music. Then came the swift rattle of a shopping cart zipping out the automatic doors. Employees ran to the front of the store to try to figure out what had caused such a commotion. Their only clues: a destroyed display where the elves used to be and a twentysomething riding his cart away like a razor scooter as if he were twelve years old.

Guzma had no idea how he got all that stuff onto the ferry with him, but it didn’t matter. For once, he wasn’t concerned with the looks people gave him (which were more than usual, as he was surrounded by tiny red “Elves”). He didn’t care that he’d ended up stealing something even though he came into this errand with no intention to, and he didn’t consider it a disappointment, either.

The grunts all ran up to Guzma once he arrived at the mansion, drawn by the enticing scent of the Big Malasadas. They were all ready to tear up the box and get their fix, but then they saw all the “Elves” he had brought back.

“What are those?!” a grunt giggled under her breath, hoping no one would notice her use of an outdated meme.

“We’re doin’ something fun tonight,” Guzma proclaimed. Guzma picked up one of the “Elves” and tossed it to one of the grunts.

“Boss, this thing’s creeping me the fuck out,” another grunt said, dangling the elf as far away from his face as possible.

Some of the grunts burst into laughter. Each one of them took it upon themself to make sure everyone knew how they felt about the “Elves.”

“It’s gonna eat your soul!”

“Why does it have yuri legs?”

“Its face looks like a ballsack.”

“Well,” Guzma started, “the thing about this guy is people are putting them in their houses and telling their kids it’s watchin’ ‘em.”

The crowd of grunts fell silent.

“It just… I’m sick and tired… People telling their kids they have to ‘behave’ or whatever just ‘cause someone’s watching. And if they’re not always acting perfect…” Guzma bit the inside of his cheek.

“Anyway…” he grabbed another “Elf” and tossed it between his hands. “I stole ‘em. Can’t have that kind of shit. So we’re burnin’ them.”

Once again, rowdiness had found its way back to the group of grunts. Guzma looked out at them, pleased with himself that he was able to get them so excited. Still, a part of him was dissatisfied with the situation. The fact that so many kids wanted to destroy this thing, that the hatred of control was felt so strongly amongst the grunts, let alone countless others outside the Po Town walls… In a weird way, it was validating, but it also made him feel like his body and soul were filled with rocks.

Before he knew it, the grunts had whisked Guzma off and taken him to a part of town away from any houses or anything else that could be burned. He watched the grunts throw the demon dolls into the pile, dancing as they poured the gasoline on it, roughhousing, shouting. It was like freedom was manifesting right in front of him.

The problem was Guzma knew that such a strong display of emotion couldn’t just come from nowhere. It had to come as a response to something. He was happy for the kids, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what each and every one of them had to experience that setting a heap of toys on fire would evoke such a response. If destroying them brought that much joy, then what did that say about…?

“Ey, Boss?”

Guzma turned to see a grunt behind him, holding out a yellow disposable lighter. He rubbed his eyes and tried to remember what he was doing.

“We’re ready.” the grunt nodded her head toward the crowd of youths behind her, surrounded by a thick aura of anticipation.

“Oh. Yeah.”

The grunt tossed the lighter to him; he stroked the wheel and tossed the lighter into the pile. Almost instantaneously, it was swallowed in orange flames, the “Elves’” appendages curling up in the fire’s wake.

The grunts erupted into chaotic celebration, shouting and dancing again. Guzma smiled to himself, proud. It wouldn’t change the world or anything, but it made the grunts happy. That was all Guzma needed. To take whatever little steps he could so more kids could just do what they were supposed to do: be free, as they should be.

A grunt grabbed Guzma by the arm and pulled him into the dance surrounding the fire. He watched as the flames lapped at the “Elves,” hoping the controlling evil that created them was melting slowly away with their faces.

**Author's Note:**

> On paper, this is like. 5 pages long rip. Thanks for suffering through the whole thing for me!!
> 
> Anyway, before you say anything, it's my personal HC that Guzma doesn't assume pronouns and thus refers to everyone as "they" until the person tells him what they prefer (explaining why Guzma uses gendered pronouns for the grunts and they/them for strangers).
> 
> The Hau'oli Outskirts thing is supposed to be a suburban white mom joke, and I don't think any of you will ever be able to appreciate how much effort went into avoiding the fucking Chuck-E-Cheese slogan.
> 
> If you think there are other relevant tags I should use, please let me know! I have no idea how this website works lmao.


End file.
